Miroku's To-Do List
by the Red Nothing
Summary: Miroku ponders one night over what he needs to get done, his own shortcomings, and why Fate deals its hands as it does. As the night wears on, Houshi-sama learns that he is not half so alone in this world as he had thought....


**__**

Miroku's To-Do List  
You know, at times I believe that I should have a "To Do" list, such as the one Kagome-sama owns. I stumbled upon it one time when it was late at night, everyone else was sleeping, and I was bored on my watch. (What? What did you think I would do?) While there were several words in her little "notebook" written in the katakana I usually use that I simply could not fathom (What the heck is a "terebii" or "Amerikajin"?), the hiragana and kanji were easy enough for me to understand.

The To-Do list, was, naturally, a list of things Kagome-sama had to accomplish in the near future. Most appeared to be various kinds of practices for various spells, for some reason called "homework." She also seems to have to devote several hours to spell-studying (Pythgreom Theory? Ano?), but there are also things such as "Watch Sato", "Feed Buyou", and familiar things like "Protect Shards."  
  
I think that if I had a To-Do list of my own, it would look something like this:  
  
1. Help Kagome-sama-tachi complete the jewel.

2. Defeat Naraku or at least

3. Get Karuga and the Kowai Kagami no Jou-chan out of my way.

4. Get Inuysha to see the (little) good in his brother, solely for the sake of joining forces, so that we could

5. Defeat Naraku or did I already say that?  
  
But actually, I think my priorities are

6. Stop acting like the lecherous _bouzo _that my father and grandfather were known to be so that maybe I might have a chance to

7. Talk to Sango.

__

Talk to Sango. Three words could mean so many things. I like it. I like it being broad. "Talk" could be anything from a love confession to (seriously) asking her to bear my child. But..neither of those things are what I'm thinking of, really.

I lean my back against the tree as I absorb the warmth from the fire; I am again on watch duty tonight, alone. Inuyasha is in his usual perch in a tree, a tree strategically positioned near Kagome-sama, who is curled up in her "sleeping bag" with Shippou-chan, so if danger arises, he can immediatly leap down to her aid. And of course, curled up in another of the strange slumber sacks with a content Kirara, Sango.

__

Watashi no Sango...

Stop looking at her stop looking at her stop looking at her!! My mind screams at me as I close my eyes. But I still have the image burned into their lids.. She looks like an angel, with her hair down... You know you're smitten with someone when you (a) are forced to use physical means to tear your eyes away from them and (b) you are _jealous _of a _small, cat-like **youkai. **_

Ah, what I wouldn't give to be in Kirara's position right now! Well, maybe not _exactly _the same position, but you get my meaning. Oh, who am I kidding? I would be more than glad to just be near her, to be able to hold her in my arms for one evening, fully clothed, without her bapping me on the head with that weapon of hers. (Do you _know _how heavy that accursed boomerang is?! Sometimes I find myself feeling slight pity during battle for the opponents who are unfortunate enough to come into contact with it.) And...for her to like it, for her _not _to want to break free, _ever._

I sigh and shift against the tree, hearing the wind rattle the rings of my _shakujou _quietly, not daring to open my eyes again, for fear of being paralyzed. If I youkai approaches, I will hear it. 

Do you wish to know what "talk" means?

Very well then.

Talk means talk. When I say that I wish I could talk to Sango, I mean that I wish I could nonchalantly walk up to her at any time and say "hi" or "So what do you think of this weather?" or maybe "Inuyasha really is being an idiot again, isn't he?" without her suspecting anything. Actually, we have conversed before on the last bit, and, when we do, complete with bleary eyes, sweatdrops, and fed-up faces, I file the conversations away, moment-by-moment, every expression memorized, close to me. Yes yes, it's pathetic I know but... Even though at those times, her gaurd is up in case of wandering hands, it seems as though she is almost trusting me, almost, _almost_, pretending to consider me a friend.   
  
I open one eye halfway, then think the better and close it tightly again. A friend. I..I really don't want to ask for much. No, I don't ever expect to be able to be hers, or vise-versa, to be able to voice my feelings and have her respond in kind and have wonderful, long, incredibly sappy conversations with her, not within my lifetime, even if we do defeat Naraku in time. But right now, what I want more than anything, realistically speaking, is to be able to voice my feelings on less..intimate matters to her, like how I thought the food Kagome-sama brought from her world was, and to have wonderful, casual conversations with her. To...be a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to about the sorrows that plague her life whenever she needed me, and, I assure you, I would _always _be here to listen.

I'm not as confident as I may seem. I know I'll never recieve her love. But.. I wish to have her tolerence. Her friendship.

So _Talk to Sango _that annoying voice says. But I dare not approach her. I won't be able to stop myself, in my own head, even in friendship.. Not from doing what you think -from loving her. I try to distract myself with other women, to make it blatantly obvious I have no cares for her, that she is another potential child-bearer. She _is_... But she's not "just another". I want her to bear my child_ren_, and they could grow up not fearing this dispicible curse. Naraku... If not for you, I might have had a chance. For life, for her. And if not for you, she would be happy... She would have her father, and her brother, and all of the villagers that had been her friends and family! My own pain is nothing -I will be dead, and the dead have no worries. But she, she will have to _live_ with the weight of those deaths, of the "betrayal" of her brother, with everything for as long as she lives. She doesn't deserve this...

If only I could... If only I could...

And I can't help myself: I begin to cry. Silently, but I can feel the wetness rolling down my cheeks. So many emotions are in me I'm not quite sure of what causes the tears. But I think I have reached the point of hopelessness that anything that plagues her, plagues me, and I want to help her, but she will always be out of reach. _I wish I could help you... I wish more than anything in the world that I wasn't a stupid, perverted, cocky asshole so that I could do something to help you, Sango. But... _

"I am," I whisper, tasting the salt of my tears upon my lips as I speak. And then...

And then, a small, warm hand comes to rest upon my shoulder from behind. Tentivitly, first the fingers barely brushing the cloth of my _kesa, _then a wonderful warmth settling into the fabric. I open my eyes, and see Kirara sleeping in the sleeping bag -alone. And I hear a voice, small and timid as the touch, coming from just behind me.  
  
"Hou...houshi-sama... Doushita no...?"  
  
I turn eyes that are heavy from my own, selfish tears, and see a pale face illuminated by the firelight.

"Sa-Sango...?"

__

All right Miroku, my mind scolds me, _if you don't stop staring at her **right now**, you are **going **to get **slapped. **_But, Buddah, I can't tear my eyes away from her. She's more beautiful than any girl I've ever seen... In terms of her character. I have long been blinded from her physical beauty by the light of who she is. I really _am_ pathetic.   
  
Except I don't get slapped. Instead, she comes closer, sitting down next to me -stiffly, nervously, but she is sitting with me. She stares down at the dirt, leaning her head on her knees. Something's bothering her. Something..Kohaku? Nara-  
  
"Houshi-sama, don't be afraid. Please don't be afraid."  
  
It takes me a moment to realize what Sango is referring _to_ -and when it _does_ hit me, I find myself nearly blown over. _She's worried..about me?!! ME?!!!!!!!! S_he caught me completely off-guard; I wasn't...expecting...dreaming...that... I start to pray the glow of embers will mask what is my first blush since I was a small child.  
  
What am I going to do? "Sango..Go to bed, Sango." _Sango Sango Sango Sango Sango. _I love rolling it off my tongue, even when my voice cracks the way it's doing now. "Sango..."  
  
"Wh-what?" _Shit, I said that out loud!! _As I look at her, I realize that the fire really does a pitiful job of hiding one's blush. I've always noticed these blushes but... But I don't know, I guess I just pushed them out of my mind. Couldn't believe them. Couldn't take them seriously. And now, still, a blush is hardly a thing to go on. At least, that's what my brain tells me.

__

Talk to Sango Talk to Sango Talk to Sango TALK TO SANGO YOU IDIOT!!!

And thus, leaning my own head against the rough bark of the tree and closing my eyes lightly, I murmur two words that I owe this woman above any other words that I owe anyone:  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
I don't need to look to know she's blinking incredulously. "Eh?"

What I say next comes forth from my lips without a thought, in a great spurt. Not quickly, but firmly, soas Sango will not be able to really get a word in edgewise.

"For being a jerk. Really, I can't believe we call Inuyasha a beast, compared to me. I don't just degrade _you_ -I do it to every woman I see. And... I want you to know when I'm doing those things, I'm lying, and I just want to distract myself -with all of those other girls- from..Well, that isn't important, I just want you to know that you don't have to worry about me anymore, I'll leave you alone and everything, but if you need to talk to someone about anything, I'm right here, and I'll listen, and if you still don't trust me you can talk to me from a bit of a distance, or whatever, but I wantyoutoknowI'lllistenallthetimebecauseIreallycareaboutyou."  
  
_Right. Smooth, Miroku._

I feel like I've released the void in my hand, only this time, instead of objects, I've absorbed sound. No snores of Shippou, no crackling fire, not even wind; Simply deafening silence. I think I've really done it this time. She's smart, too smart -she'll think that this is just a trick for her to let her guard down so I can grope her and she's

**__**

..hugging me?!

She doesn't say anything, or make any noise at all. Her arms are wrapped tightly around my waist and back, her face is buryed in the fabric of my chest. She's almost like a statue, but a wonderful, warm statue. I...I want to pinch myself to make sure I'm awake, but I have more importamt things to do with my hands.

Things I'm...not quite used to doing.

Beads clank as I slowly raise my arms with the same fluidness I would if they were made of wood. They hover, extended before my body for a moment, before, biting my lip in determination, I quickly throw them about her back.

The emotion that swelled when she glomped onto me just exploded. I'm holding her. I'm _holding her in my arms. _And she isn't squirming, and she isn't disgusted, she's simply _there_. And I, being the incredibly smooth lady killer I am, start crying again. My tears roll into her hair this time, but she doesn't move, just holds me tighter. We sit there, a little ball, aloof from the world. And as I indulge in this dream without destroying it, pulling her so close to me I don't think that I could fit that To-Do list between us.

The To-Do list that I would slip into her sleeping bag the next day, after carefully removing her from my arms and sliding her gently into the sleeping bag, so that she (I myself as well, but I'm more concerned for her sake) would recieve no jeers from Inuyasha or Shippou, nor would she awake. And it would be totally blank, save for one kanji, three kana, letters that I took time to form, not drawn in the usual scribble displayed on my ofuda. Those simple words finally put voice to something that we needed to do, needed to say, even though we already knew it all too well.  
  
My To-Do list grows shorter.


End file.
